I love my job

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Likes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say. " (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me. " (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. " (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it! " (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach " used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts " (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical " circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)"

Please study

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. " She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.. " she whispers, ".. I would do ANYTHING!! " He returns her gaze. "Anything?? " "Yes,.. Anything! " She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study?? "

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/graphjam/~3/NYclAUNEKBI/

I like the way YOU are thinking

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left? "
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away. "
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking. " After a while, this time Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you: If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married? "
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone. "
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking. "

My Wife

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Win or Lose

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is... " He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

Politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I own a factory. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because your mother controls your actions, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now. "
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is asleep ignoring the people, and the future is full of crap. "

Engineers vs. Lawyers

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers said "You'll see." They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers' tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the ticket. The lawyers were very impressed. On the return trip, the lawyers wanted to emulate the engineers and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see." All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the engineers emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

(Different versions of this joke exist where engineers are replaced by men and lawyers are replaced by women, or many other alternatives that one can think of...)

News??

Conflicting Headlines FAIL

Published on Epic Fail Funny Videos and Funny Pictures

 

Pricing Strategy

Comic for November 21, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Don't Listen

Comic for November 16, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Do Not Make ANY Mistakes

Comic for November 11, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Tahtadaki ile defterdeki aynı tadı verecek mi?

Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

Note: I have always wondered why we assumed we should not be erasing our notebooks together with the teacher, even though the teacher never told us not to do so...

Not: Baslikla ilgili daha fazla bilgi icin bana sorunuz...

Gay Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself. 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Chihuahua

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside? "
"Yeah, I do! " a biker says, standing up. "What about it? "
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?! " the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler? "
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Photos

A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $100 speeding ticket was included. In return, he sent the police department a picture of $100. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

Natural Disasters

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad.
The commander says, "READY,
AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!"
All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells
"HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!"

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? "The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

Getting tired...

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers. However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

Sherlock Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Smart Woman

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me... "

Dachshund

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for th e fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. "
"That's nothing ", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

Dead Bodies

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The commanding officer saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead thus we cannot contribute in any way. " The commanding officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

Rolex

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!! ", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! ", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off! "
"Oh no! ", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!! "

Question of the day?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Under the Bed

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy! " "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears. " "How much do you charge? " "A hundred dollars per visit. " "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again? " asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. " "Is that so! How? " "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Quarter Back

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said,
"but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents. "
"What on earth do you mean??? "
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Paradise

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British. "
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. "
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian. "

MW

Man says to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful? " God says: "So you would love her." Man says to God: "But God, Why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

"The Rules" by Men

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Drive-through

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter "
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth "
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel " and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter "
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two meters
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometers
26. Release hand brake"

What happens to Everybody

This is the story of four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Aspirin and Condoms

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are. " said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory. "
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married. "
"Then how do you account for all of these things? "
"Simple, Did you ever go into a pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins? "

Congratulations

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace ". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.' "

Professions

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession. " "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older. " "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos? "

Happy Birthday

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please? ""The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying ""Ehhhh... 22! ""The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ""And can you tell us your height, please? ""The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ""Five foot two! ""This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. ""Just to confirm for our records, your name please? ""The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ""MANDY! ""The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -""What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name? ""
""Ohhhh, that! "" replies the airhead... "" I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' """

Bull

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones,"" the waiter replied.
""The what, you say? "" exclaimed the tourist.
""They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,""
explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: ""Today's
cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. ""
""True, senor,"" agreed the waiter. ""You see the bull, he does not
always lose. """

Repeat Twice

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband
that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What? "

from Dilbert

Cool description

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will
describe an object and the students will tell her what she had
described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem. "
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple. " Teacher: "That's right, I
like the way you're thinking. " "OK the next item is round, has a
peel, and you eat it. "Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an
orange. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. "
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? " Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it
clean! " Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it. "
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office! " Johnny: "No Teacher,
it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking! "

Jump Twice

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when
the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going
to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost.
Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take
it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I
saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it
wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6
too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

Workstation

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where at rain
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

You are in a Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the
pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I "? in large letters. People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a
building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER ". The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto
SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A
HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they
gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer ".

Teenager

A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never
forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her
allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her
best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna
played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next
room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her
history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is
well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast
who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and
Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock
concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who
can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs
mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never
a teenager.

Yeah, right.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative. "A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right. "

Season pass

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules, saying,
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. "
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.
Are there any questions? "
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a
season pass? "

Zaman makinası

Doğrusu bu olsa gerek

Galileo

Duck in a Bar

A Duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm
gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar......
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

Idiot

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up " said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? " enquired
the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself. "