I love my job

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Likes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say. " (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me. " (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. " (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it! " (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach " used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts " (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical " circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)"

Please study

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. " She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.. " she whispers, ".. I would do ANYTHING!! " He returns her gaze. "Anything?? " "Yes,.. Anything! " She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study?? "

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/graphjam/~3/NYclAUNEKBI/

I like the way YOU are thinking

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left? "
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away. "
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking. " After a while, this time Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you: If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married? "
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone. "
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking. "

My Wife

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Win or Lose

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is... " He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

Politics

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I own a factory. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because your mother controls your actions, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now. "
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is asleep ignoring the people, and the future is full of crap. "

Engineers vs. Lawyers

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers said "You'll see." They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers' tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the ticket. The lawyers were very impressed. On the return trip, the lawyers wanted to emulate the engineers and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see." All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the engineers emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

(Different versions of this joke exist where engineers are replaced by men and lawyers are replaced by women, or many other alternatives that one can think of...)

News??

Conflicting Headlines FAIL

Published on Epic Fail Funny Videos and Funny Pictures

 

Pricing Strategy

Comic for November 21, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Don't Listen

Comic for November 16, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Do Not Make ANY Mistakes

Comic for November 11, 2010

Published on Dilbert Daily Strip

Tahtadaki ile defterdeki aynı tadı verecek mi?

Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

Note: I have always wondered why we assumed we should not be erasing our notebooks together with the teacher, even though the teacher never told us not to do so...

Not: Baslikla ilgili daha fazla bilgi icin bana sorunuz...

Gay Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself. 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Chihuahua

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside? "
"Yeah, I do! " a biker says, standing up. "What about it? "
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?! " the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler? "
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Photos

A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $100 speeding ticket was included. In return, he sent the police department a picture of $100. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

Natural Disasters

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad.
The commander says, "READY,
AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!"
All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells
"HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!"

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? "The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

Getting tired...

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers. However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

Sherlock Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Smart Woman

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me... "

Dachshund

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for th e fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. "
"That's nothing ", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

Dead Bodies

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The commanding officer saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead thus we cannot contribute in any way. " The commanding officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

Rolex

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!! ", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! ", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off! "
"Oh no! ", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!! "

Question of the day?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Under the Bed

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy! " "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears. " "How much do you charge? " "A hundred dollars per visit. " "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again? " asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. " "Is that so! How? " "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Quarter Back

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said,
"but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents. "
"What on earth do you mean??? "
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"