You are in a Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the
pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I "? in large letters. People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a
building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER ". The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto
SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A
HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they
gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer ".

Teenager

A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never
forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her
allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her
best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna
played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next
room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her
history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is
well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast
who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and
Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock
concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who
can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs
mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never
a teenager.

Yeah, right.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative. "A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right. "

Season pass

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules, saying,
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. "
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.
Are there any questions? "
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a
season pass? "