Computer Virus

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Men vs. Pigs

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Priest

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? "
The priest says, "Because I'm a father. "
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards. "
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children. "
Johnny says, "You should wear your trousers backwards. "

Who is in charge?

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge. "All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge. "So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a__hole."

Causality

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.