Aspirin and Condoms

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are. " said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory. "
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married. "
"Then how do you account for all of these things? "
"Simple, Did you ever go into a pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins? "

Congratulations

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace ". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.' "

Professions

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession. " "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older. " "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos? "