A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please? ""The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying ""Ehhhh... 22! ""The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ""And can you tell us your height, please? ""The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ""Five foot two! ""This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. ""Just to confirm for our records, your name please? ""The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ""MANDY! ""The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -""What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name? ""
""Ohhhh, that! "" replies the airhead... "" I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' """
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Bull
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones,"" the waiter replied.
""The what, you say? "" exclaimed the tourist.
""They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,""
explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: ""Today's
cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. ""
""True, senor,"" agreed the waiter. ""You see the bull, he does not
always lose. """
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones,"" the waiter replied.
""The what, you say? "" exclaimed the tourist.
""They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,""
explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: ""Today's
cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. ""
""True, senor,"" agreed the waiter. ""You see the bull, he does not
always lose. """
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Repeat Twice
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband
that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What? "
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband
that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What? "
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Cool description
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will
describe an object and the students will tell her what she had
described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem. "
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple. " Teacher: "That's right, I
like the way you're thinking. " "OK the next item is round, has a
peel, and you eat it. "Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an
orange. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. "
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? " Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it
clean! " Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it. "
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office! " Johnny: "No Teacher,
it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking! "
describe an object and the students will tell her what she had
described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem. "
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple. " Teacher: "That's right, I
like the way you're thinking. " "OK the next item is round, has a
peel, and you eat it. "Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an
orange. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. "
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? " Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it
clean! " Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it. "
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office! " Johnny: "No Teacher,
it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking! "
Jump Twice
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when
the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going
to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost.
Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take
it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I
saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it
wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6
too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when
the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going
to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost.
Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take
it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I
saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it
wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6
too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Workstation
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where at rain
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
Monday, February 22, 2010
You are in a Helicopter
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the
pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I "? in large letters. People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a
building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER ". The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto
SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A
HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they
gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer ".
electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the
pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
said "WHERE AM I "? in large letters. People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a
building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER ". The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto
SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A
HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they
gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer ".
Teenager
A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never
forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her
allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her
best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna
played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next
room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her
history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is
well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast
who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and
Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock
concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who
can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs
mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never
a teenager.
forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her
allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her
best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna
played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next
room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her
history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is
well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast
who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and
Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock
concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who
can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs
mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never
a teenager.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Yeah, right.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative. "A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right. "
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative. "A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right. "
Monday, February 1, 2010
Season pass
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules, saying,
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. "
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.
Are there any questions? "
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a
season pass? "
out some of the rules, saying,
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. "
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.
Are there any questions? "
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a
season pass? "
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Duck in a Bar
A Duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm
gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar......
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm
gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar......
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Idiot
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up " said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? " enquired
the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself. "
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? " enquired
the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself. "
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Cami
Karadeniz’de bir hoca vaaz verirken bagislarin azalmasindan dem vurmus: - Eskiden 500 topladuk simdi millet gurpete gittu 300 toplayruz 200 acik var çaminun masraflarinu karsilayamayruk.. Temel donmus hoca: - Hocam, zarar eduysak kapatalum çamiyu..
Hell
An engineer died and as it should be, he went up to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter welcomed him: Good day! Now what did you do down on earth? I was an engineer. Hummmm….Sorry, engineers aren’t on the list. You can’t come in. So the engineer went down and knocked on Hell’s door. Hello. I’ve come because they won’t let me into Heaven. The Devil looks the man over and says: Ah no? well, what were you? An engineer. An engineer! Come on in! After several months of enduring intense heat, the stench of sulfur, hard labour and the other hardships of Hell, the engineer decided to make some improvements and in a short time, he installed air- conditioning, ventilators, escalators, etc. A year later, God was greatly puzzled because He hadn’t heard any moaning and groaning coming from Hell in a very long time. He decided to go down and see what was up. Hello Satan. Hello God. How’s it going? Never been better, now that we’ve got an engineer in charge. An engineer? There must be some mistake. I order you to return the engineer to me! No way! The engineer is mine! Satan, you give him back right now or I’ll sue! Satan’s laughter could be heard all the way up in Heaven. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You sue me ? And where are you going to get a lawyer?!?!
Driver's license
There’s a car driving down the street at 70 miles per hour and one cop tells the other: - Isn’t that the guy whose license we took away? - Yeah, that’s him. Let’s get him. They stop the guy and ask him: - License? - Oh, don’t tell me you guys lost it!!
Soccermania
Symptoms that you are obsessed with football/soccer: 1. Before making love you toss a coin to see who goes first. 2. You don’t scold you children… you just pull out a red card. 3. When you have an orgasm, you scream GOAL, and when your team scores, you have an orgasm.
God and Adam
God said to Adam: ‘Son, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Give me the good news first,’ says Adam. Well, says God, ‘I’m going to give you a brain and a penis.’ ‘That’s great! So what’s the bad news?’ That you won’t be able to use both of them at the same time!
POOF
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity. A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF - now she’s gone too. Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” - POOF!
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