Say NO to Everything

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything. "Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you? "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg? "N-n-no," the girl replied. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this. "

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK. You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON... You get three meals a day. AT WORK. You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK. You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK. You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK. You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... You get your own toilet. AT WORK. You have to share. IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK. You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK. You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK. You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK. They are called supervisors. IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK. You get fired if you get caught.

Bull Testicles

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served? "The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! " The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order! " The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy! " The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday! "The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senior. Sometimes the bull wins. "

Comparative Religion

Taoism : Shit Happens. Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit. Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah. Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us? Hinduism : This shit happened before. Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad. Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama. T. V. evangelism : Send more shit. Atheism : NO shit! Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens. Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening. Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind. Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Existentialism : What is shit anyway? Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me. Rastafarianism : Let's smoke this shit.

Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late! " His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep! "

Work for the Government

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! "
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye! "
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30! "

Bank Accounts

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

2 and 2

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job.

Think Out of the Box

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double. "
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said."I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish? "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant. "

Computer Virus

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Men vs. Pigs

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Priest

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? "
The priest says, "Because I'm a father. "
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards. "
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children. "
Johnny says, "You should wear your trousers backwards. "

Who is in charge?

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge. "All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge. "So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a__hole."

Causality

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

Women Dictionary

Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes: Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise: To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Gadget Store: Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth: You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Patience: The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

What You Say is What They Understand

What a woman says: "This place is a mess. C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying all over the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: "... C'mon ... you and I ... over the floor ... no clothes ... right now!"

Professions

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How ya doing?" She then wiggled her backside and walked off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Er- just a woman I met professionally." stammered the doctor. "Oh yeah?" his wife snarled, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"

Jury Duty

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?" Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long." Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?" Juror: "They can, but I don't want them to know this."

Car Accident

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked."HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "UNBELIEVABLE, MY ROLEX IS ALSO GONE!"

Fishing Business

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did", responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Owing Money

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Urine Tasting

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a Greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps."

Best Archer

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke, "I must find him!" After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," said the duke, "I hereby admit you into my service " The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued, "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... and then I paint the target around it.