Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? "The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

Getting tired...

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work. People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work. Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work. Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers. However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

Sherlock Holmes & Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Smart Woman

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me... "

Dachshund

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for th e fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. "
"That's nothing ", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

Dead Bodies

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The commanding officer saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead thus we cannot contribute in any way. " The commanding officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

Rolex

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!! ", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! ", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off! "
"Oh no! ", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!! "

Question of the day?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Under the Bed

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy! " "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears. " "How much do you charge? " "A hundred dollars per visit. " "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again? " asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. " "Is that so! How? " "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Quarter Back

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said,
"but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents. "
"What on earth do you mean??? "
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Paradise

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British. "
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. "
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian. "

MW

Man says to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful? " God says: "So you would love her." Man says to God: "But God, Why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

"The Rules" by Men

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Drive-through

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter "
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth "
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel " and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter "
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two meters
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometers
26. Release hand brake"

What happens to Everybody

This is the story of four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Aspirin and Condoms

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off. "
"No worries. " the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins. "So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi colored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are. " said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory. "
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married. "
"Then how do you account for all of these things? "
"Simple, Did you ever go into a pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins? "

Congratulations

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace ". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.' "

Professions

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession. " "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older. " "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos? "

Happy Birthday

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please? ""The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying ""Ehhhh... 22! ""The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ""And can you tell us your height, please? ""The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ""Five foot two! ""This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. ""Just to confirm for our records, your name please? ""The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ""MANDY! ""The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -""What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name? ""
""Ohhhh, that! "" replies the airhead... "" I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' """

Bull

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones,"" the waiter replied.
""The what, you say? "" exclaimed the tourist.
""They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,""
explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: ""Today's
cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. ""
""True, senor,"" agreed the waiter. ""You see the bull, he does not
always lose. """

Repeat Twice

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband
that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What? "

from Dilbert

Cool description

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will
describe an object and the students will tell her what she had
described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem. "
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple. " Teacher: "That's right, I
like the way you're thinking. " "OK the next item is round, has a
peel, and you eat it. "Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an
orange. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. "
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? " Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it
clean! " Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it. "
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office! " Johnny: "No Teacher,
it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking! "

Jump Twice

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when
the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going
to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost.
Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take
it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I
saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it
wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6
too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.