Shame

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing. Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing. Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

Whiskey

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Dog vs. Cat

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

I'm a rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! "

Someone Else

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest. "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly," replies the Doc.

Impossible Request

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? " "He said you're going to die," she replied.

Billed by Hour

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35! "St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old! "

Horse

Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

How many lanes?

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out. The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women." The genie pauses for a moment and says -"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? "

$90

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5. "Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100! "This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four? "The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer? " Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep."

Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon " Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to.... "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really? " the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start? "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out! "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results "My, that's a lot of. " gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure " "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London "Oh my God! " Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with "She was difficult? " asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look "Four and five deep? " asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in. "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um..equipment? "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work. "Tripod????? "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!! "

Manuals

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Say NO to Everything

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything. "Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you? "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg? "N-n-no," the girl replied. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this. "

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK. You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON... You get three meals a day. AT WORK. You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK. You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK. You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK. You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... You get your own toilet. AT WORK. You have to share. IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK. You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK. You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK. You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK. They are called supervisors. IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK. You get fired if you get caught.

Bull Testicles

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served? "The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! " The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order! " The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy! " The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday! "The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senior. Sometimes the bull wins. "

Comparative Religion

Taoism : Shit Happens. Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit. Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah. Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us? Hinduism : This shit happened before. Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad. Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama. T. V. evangelism : Send more shit. Atheism : NO shit! Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens. Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening. Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind. Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Existentialism : What is shit anyway? Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me. Rastafarianism : Let's smoke this shit.

Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late! " His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep! "

Work for the Government

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! "
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye! "
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30! "

Bank Accounts

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

2 and 2

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job.

Think Out of the Box

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double. "
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said."I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish? "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant. "

Computer Virus

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Men vs. Pigs

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Priest

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? "
The priest says, "Because I'm a father. "
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards. "
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children. "
Johnny says, "You should wear your trousers backwards. "

Who is in charge?

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. "Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge. "All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge. "So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a__hole."